Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer...does NOT live up

An Attempt to Make a Movie Out of a Christmas Song but with Bullies and an Aspiring (gay) Dentist

By Jess Latterman

This 1964 classic by Rankin Bass gets its charm from the still impressive stop-motion animation. The rest of the warm and fuzzy feelings some seem to have for this film derive solely from a childhood full of watching this on repeat. Repetition is apparently a powerful foundation for preference. Especially if it's in the form of a VHS tape recording from broadcast TV. That was at least the experience of co-host Amanda Treat. For me, not so much.

 

Amanda was giddy when she asked if we could do an episode on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I never watched it as a kid and had a healthy suspicion that her enthusiasm was driven by nostalgia in the form of rose colored glasses obscuring all the cringe. So more like glasses which are all smudgy, cracked, and too small for your face. I sat down to watch this bonus Christmas movie with my kids (10 and 5 at the time), who are always game for extra screen time. In short, it was rather mediocre for them and at times confusing. As a parent, I kept having to say, “that’s not how we treat people”, as both Donner (dad of Rudolph) and the coach bullied Rudoph and Herbie. I physically winced at the cringe as Donner desperately tries to hide his son Rudolph’s nose because God forbid it is “different”.

Herbie and Rudolph

All the bulls of Reindeer land seem to be cut from the same cloth. This is emphasized to the point of campy satire with the coach character, who is only briefly in the film and may as well wear a t-shirt that says classic toxic masculinity. The bullying leads Rudolph to be promptly exiled for being different while Herbie, an elf who doesn’t fit in, is also exiled for being different but in his case “different” is an obvious stand-in for gay*. Herbie, who has coiffed blonde hair, dreams of being a dentist, which was an odd choice as a euphemism for being gay. His gory take-down of the abominable snowman by ripping the monster’s teeth out with giant pliers was particularly stand-out for being (one of) the weirdest parts of this movie. My ten year old turned her head away from the screen and caught my eye to give me a WTF-was-that kind of expression. I get that many - or even most - kids' movies are weird. There’s creatures, a journey with questionable goals, a kid-hero that’s relatable, but Never Ending Story this is not. Rudolph wasn’t inappropriate for kids, but it was just weird enough to land outside of being enjoyable.

Yukon Cornelius

The one bright spot - at least for this adult - was the character of Yukon Cornelius. A stop-motion hapless Aragorn who leads the lost Rudolph and Herbie on a quest to nowhere. He’s charming and relatable as the loner everyman who has a soft spot for saving kids. No creep vibes detected.

There’s a plot point somewhere in here about Rudolph’s blinking red nose attracting the Abominable Snowman, which keeps the trio on the run via Yukon’s dogsled and therefore away from Santa’s workshop. The land of misfit toys is a pit-stop on this journey, but that’s just more opportunity for painful songs. My kids and I were equally perplexed and irritated at the sad sack attitude of the discarded toys. It was oddly dark for adults, and confusing for kids who are known to be attached to thread-bare stuffed animals and cherish their beat up toys.  

And Santa. WE HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN TO SANTA. As Amanda - who actually likes or perhaps loves this movie - said it right when she declared that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer asks the question you never knew you wanted the answer to, "what if Santa was a d*ck?”. Even Mrs. Claus can’t paper over her hubbie’s disinterest in the elves and disdain for reindeers who look different. Except of course when different-looking reindeer are useful. Then he loves them.

Re-watch this movie if you must. Sit down with the kiddos too. They won’t hate it and you have Yukon Cornelius to root for as the unlikeliest of heroes. I’ve been told by listeners to the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer episode that my scoring of this movie was overly harsh. That one day I'll watch it again and appreciate it as a movie about being ok with being different, and regret my disdain. Maybe so. There’s always next Christmas.

Hear more about our not exactly professional review and scoring of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on the Live UP podcast wherever you get your podcasts.

All podcast platforms can be found here.

*Dear reader, it seems relevant to come out to you here that I’m a gay Jew from Long Island.