Edward Scissorhands... Lives UP!

 by Amanda Treat

Ambrosia fucking salad.

In 1990, Tim Burton made a masterpiece about an outcast with scissors instead of hands who inadvertently lands in a suburban hellscape: Edward Scissorhands. 

With so much to admire here, from the phenomenal screenplay by Caroline Thompson, to the excellent acting from everyone involved, to the Necco wafer-colored set design, (and my own personal admiration for the special effects blood)... this movie definitely lives up. 

What I'd like to focus on today, however, is the food. A few years ago, I inherited my grandmother's recipe box, and you can chart the descent of mid-century American cuisine from home-cooked roasts and bread puddings to the nefarious land of Jello molds and casseroles with Campbells soup dumped over the top. What a time! Processed food introduced a rainbow of gelatinous pinks, wiggly neon greens, and coagulated orangey-yellows. These were foods you could throw at the wallpaper, and it would stick... forever. All hail the "Velveeta cheese product." 

There's a lengthy barbecue scene in Edward Scissorhands where the neighbors spoon feed Edward florescent-colored congealed chunks. It's disgusting enough to watch, but spare a moment for how that probably tasted... 

...Imagine having spoonful after spoonful of the following shoved in your mouth...

Ambrosia Salad

 - mayonnaise
 - "whipped topping" like Cool Whip, and definitely not actual  whipped cream
 - shredded coconut
 - canned fruit (oranges, pineapples, grapes, etc.)
 - maraschino cherries
 - mini "fruit-flavored" marshmallows
 - chopped nuts (optional)

Instructions: Stir it all together until it looks like unicorn vomit. Serve chilled. 

Just imagine those cold lumps of mayonnaise-covered pineapple heading towards your windpipes. Can you feel the viscosity of that? And now -oh shit- another neighbor is coming at you with a jiggling spoonful of something purple... it smells like grape Robitussin. 

This movie presents Edward Scissorhands as a misunderstood monster, but for anyone watching, we all know who the real monster is here: The corporations that tricked America into thinking Jello or marshmallows belong in a salad. 

Listen to our actual review of the film (and not just the food!) here:

 

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