Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)... does NOT live up.

 

Oops.

We reviewed the OG 1990 version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and determined that even though the movie does some things well (love the Henson Creature Shop costumes, like the fight sequences, like the gritty depiction of hellscape New York), the relentless stream of lame/outdated jokes killed our enjoyment. TMNT doesn't live up to our memories of this being a cool film. 

Before you jump on us for voting this film down, here is an actual joke from the opening sewer scene:

Michaelangelo: "Righteous!"

Donatello: "Bossa nova!"

Michaelangelo: "What?"

Donatello: "Bossa nova. Chevy Nova? Oh."

Okay... I've heard that after this movie they forced "Bossa Nova" on him as a catch phrase. I have no memory of that, but sure. Now you have a whole fleet of older millennials who think Bossa Nova is a cool thing to say. Fantastic. 

As the film continues, some of the humor doesn't land because it's too time & place specific. Here's a joke from Raphael's first meeting with Casey Jones.

Raphael: "A Jose Conseco bat? Tell me you didn't pay money for this. 

Or how about this joke from the scene when they take April through the sewers:

Michaelangelo: 11th and Bleecker? Nope. This is only 9th street. Ha. Get it?

Do we, the audience, get it? No, not really. Nor do we understand the Cagney impression Michaelangelo does in the next scene. 

Let's make a "Moonlighting" joke. Kids will totally love that.

I remember as a kid seeing this movie in the theater and enjoying it, but not understanding the references. And that's fine -- kid brains don't have to get everything. 

Our objection now, after our adult rewatch, is that the TMNT are supposed to be cool... the coolest of the cool... but now we realized that the things they say in this movie are kinda lame. It sounds like middle-aged screenwriters tried really hard to imitate teenagers. It doesn't work. 

Turtle Scholars - they reference "War and Peace" and "The Grapes of Wrath"

Listen to our review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles here, on YouTube, or on your favorite podcast streaming service.

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