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| It certainly does suck. |
Yes, this movie has one of cinema's most esteemed directors... and it looks really cool... it uses practical effects... it has stunning costumes... and it has a cast full of the hottest A-listers and Oscar winners. But somehow all these rights make a wrong. Here's specifically what we thought sucked about Bram Stoker's Dracula:
STUPID, HORNDOG SCREENPLAY - I'm not going to call out the writer by name (you can Google that if you care), but you should know that he also wrote the screenplays for Hook and the 1994 Frankenstein (which also sucked). Yes, it's the same guy who thought that mid-life crisis Peter Pan needed a whole montage of making out with the mermaids.
This screenwriter specializes in taking classic, beloved literature and putting it into a blender with his mediocre middle-aged guy porn fantasies... the result is always a confusing, pulpy mess of a film with iconic characters suddenly lusting after each other, and so many unnecessary boob shots.
We have no objection to sex or nudity, especially in our After Dark episodes... but Bram Stoker's Dracula looks gratuitous and in some scenes, kinda rapey.
And hey, dude -- writing into the script that one of the topless vampires is "no more than 17"... that's gross, man. What else is on your computer?
CASTING POPULAR ACTORS INSTEAD OF APPROPRIATE ACTORS -
Bram Stoker's Dracula has an All-Star cast... but that doesn't mean they're good here. We've talked before about American actors distracting the audience with their terrible/absent British accents (cough-Costner-cough). Keanu and Winona attempt the accent; she's slightly more successful than he is. Keanu's performance is also pretty lethargic - he has said he probably needed to take time off before filming this. Amanda asked during the podcast episode... can you imagine if Keanu and Cary Elwes switched roles? The would've been so much better.
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| My accent is even worse in Much Ado About Nothing! |
Anthony Hopkins also phones in a weird performance, and it comes right on the heels of his Oscar winning turn as Hannibal Lecter. He botches the supposedly-Dutch accent of his character. He plays Van Helsing somewhere on the autism spectrum, and cannot land any of the jokes that he's supposed to deliver. We know Anthony Hopkins is better than this!
Everyone else is... fine, I guess. Few other characters are given enough screentime to really notice how they did. And that circles back to the issues with the script.
DEVIATIONS FROM THE SOURCE MATERIAL - Again, we're not clutching our pearls because Bram Stoker's Dracula is different from the book... we're calling out that a lot of these changes made the story worse.
Jess just read Dracula, and was annoyed to see Mina's character get changed from an empowered and useful member of Team Vampire Hunters to a feckless "decoy" who likes to make out with everyone and flash her boobs at Van Helsing. The same goes for Lucy, who originally represented an innocent young woman getting manipulated; this version turns her into a slut who had it coming.
Jess also didn't like the film's newly-created backstory for Dracula - he's really just a lover at heart! The screenplay added reincarnation as a possibility, and frankly it's unclear what the hell happens after the end of this film.
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| Off to work! I'll be back in about 400 years.... |
The original book also treats the death of Quincy Morris with more dignity... in the film, did you even notice he died? Did you even notice there was a character named Quincy in this at all?
This movie left us with a bad taste. Pun intended. It had the potential to be spectacular, but it failed to live up.
Listen to our review of Bram Stoker's Dracula here, on YouTube, or on your favorite podcast streaming service.
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